Filed by reporter Kirsten Angst.
News recently reached us from Horsens in Denmark that a clutch of UK crime writers found themselves imprisoned. The nature of the charge was withheld from the media. Andrew Taylor, S.J.Bolton, S.J.Watson and Professor Barry Forshaw were all understood to be in custody, along with Deon Meyer from South Africa. With access to the net, they took to twitter and a campaign to #freethefeloniousfive. In recognition of the criminality Andrew Taylor added a ‘JR’ to his twitter handle: @AndrewJRTaylor. Deon Meyer was tempted to go for @DirtyDeon but stayed with his established handle of @MeyerDeon after it was pointed out that there is no #AfrikaansEnders in South Africa and no one would keep up with the change anyway. Danish crime writer Sara Blædel was appointed Chief Advocate & Campaigner to #thefeloniousfive in the hope that a UK publishing deal will soon follow, given the media exposure and recognition of her altruistic works.
Professor Forshaw used his one telephone call to contact our desk with an exclusive. The Prof said, in a defiant tone, ‘I have no problem with this. I have plans to complete a dissertation and three non-fiction tomes on even more Scandi crimefic before I get home. This is a fabulously atmospheric and inspirational setting. It’s a very comfortable cell and I am now used to the food, which I enjoy very much. The hospitality is fantastic and I look forward to testing out the criminal justice system while I am here. Keep up with me on twitter; @CrimeTimeDK from now on.’
As of Friday night, it was understood that S.J.Watson was freed on Thursday, after a rather late brunch, due to the high level of post-it notes found in his cell, considered a health and safety hazard by the authorities. He is making his way back to England on foot and marking his progress with his stock of yellow stickies.
Hachette, now the owners of the rights to all of Enid Blyton’s works, have announced plans to add to the collection with a modern take involving the escapades of #thefeloniousfive and have already assigned a ghost writer to the project. The characters will include Barry, Andy, Stevie D, Shar and a mongrel dog called Jussi. They will have tattoos, piercings, ipads, mobile phones and all sorts of other mod cons. Jussi will be micro-chipped for tracking purposes (which will help with the plots).
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, known for her love of crime fiction, has taken to her tumblr page to join in with the campaign saying, ‘Free #thefeloniousfive-1.’ She has also announced plans to visit the prison ‘… now that I have suitable attire. Although the jumper I received on the set of The Killing 3 is a little tight. And not really my colours now I come to think of it.’
The condition and plans of S.J.Bolton, Andrew Taylor and Deon Meyer remain unknown as of Sunday morning, although S.J.Bolton has been rumoured to be the ghost writer for Hachette. (Purist Taylor is thought to have been in favour of keeping ‘Timmy’ as the dog, but Hachette wanted to retain a realistic Scandinavian flavour for the first outing of the new series.)
This unfortunate development is thought to have arisen due to a literary festival in Horsens. Organisers of the UK’s main crime festivals including the Theakstons at Harrogate, CrimeFest at Bristol and Reading at Reading have all assured their local police forces that their events later this year will be under control.
[Insert pic. Editor.]
[We don’t have one. Kirsten.]