On Monday 23rd, a press conference will be called by the Scottish Parliament and Professor Barry Forshaw to announce a major economic development. Fuelled by Alex Salmond’s cosying up to Scandinavia and the increasing popularity of Nordic Noir there will be a bridge built – similar to the Øresund – linking Aberdeen to Stavanger in Norway. Sarah Lund will guide the press through the interactive maps knitted into her jumper.
Not to be outdone by previous incumbents at No. 10, a major publishing house in the News Corporation Group will announce that Mrs Samantha Cameron is to write
a book for children a series of books for children. So confident of success, the publisher will create a new ‘FamCam’ imprint for them.
Waterstone’s will be in the news again. This time its future is noted as threatened by the rise and popularity of the high street independent book store. The FT, Luke Johnson and James Daunt will take the Daily Star to task on this business article.
At the end of the London Book Fair, pictures of Miss Daisy Frost will emerge, posted on the internet. Doing real work and securing the biggest advance ever in publishing history will do it for her. Jaws will drop across the UK when people realise that (1) she is real and (2) she’s actually quite young for her age, but (3) not too young to catch the eye of a big name author who flirts with her on twitter.
The number of self-published ebooks worldwide will achieve a level greater than the worldwide economic deficit, at its peak, as stated in US dollars. Amazon will offer a ‘buy one get a whole million free’ deal.
Waterstone’s will report a bumper month of sales for May, and James Daunt will be glad he turned the shelves over to selling merchandise for jubilee celebration parties.
A book blogger will be rumbled as a complete fraud, one who never had any interests apart from TV programmes before writing book ‘reviews’ for free copies. The PR teams of two major publishing houses who helped create the monster will cringe with embarrassment and cancel all further launch parties in 2012.
Comic crime officially takes over as the most successful sub-genre from the tired Nordic Noir. Everybody simply loves the new T. Hee Jolly series of novels set in 1950s Blackpool. All the books carry a label which says ‘Better than Stieg Larsson or your au pair’s back.’
The originally titled ‘Pippa’s Perfect Parties’ bombs. The BBC sends a camera team out on the London streets to question book shoppers about its lack of popularity. ‘Sorry, but I can’t buy a book written by someone with such a perfect behind’ says brunette Elspeth, 30 years of age.
It is rumoured in the media that, not content with writing and making music, R J Ellory is in negotiation for the new ‘author slot’ on Strictly Come Dancing. But by the end of the month it will be confirmed that Minette Walters is the victor due to her history of successful TV appearances.
Miss Daisy Frost, now Mrs Daisy Rushdie, will beat her own record (on advances) at the Frankfurt Book Fair. She will usurp Ed Victor’s position as the most exclusive literary agent on the planet and buy two properties in the Hamptons for her summer parties.
The makers of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! will confirm that they have secured Nicci French for the 2012 series, not realising that Nicci is actually two people. ‘She’ is then replaced by Patricia Cornwell.
The Rapture might happen during this month. Just as animals can predict earthquakes with their changed behaviour, Amazon Kindles can be relied upon for Rapture predictions. If yours goes loopy in November, you’ll know what’s coming and can cancel all those festive spending plans.
Miss Daisy Frost – formerly Mrs Daisy Rushdie – appears on the new year’s honours list in the new ‘sainthood’ section.
One of these has a chance of coming true. But which one?