It's a crime! (Or a mystery…)

The Apprentice 2011 – Week 8, Episode 9

Written while viewing on iplayer…

Gosh, don’t they look different without make up on?  And the tiredness is showing too.  Even on Karren’s face!  So, it’s make a new biscuit time and it’s off to Wales to do some baking; who knew they had biscuit development boffins in Swansea?  The land of my fathers is the home of the science of crunch.

Let’s take a look at the teams first now we’ve had a little stir of the pot again.  Helen who has worked in the food industry leads Jim and Natasha.  Zoë who has done the same and takes a rolling pin to flatten Susie at the first opportunity leads Susie (nemesis alert), Melody and Tom.  Recapping, that’s Zoë, Susie, Melody (the harpie clan) and The Real Mr Nice, Tom.  This one is set for crumbs at dawn by shooting pistol.  Something tells me that Helen will pull a money-from-rubbish-week and handle with aplomb.

Er, did I hear that correctly?  Zoë said ‘Don’t take this the wrong way but I’m probably more happy working with Susie.’  I think that probably translates as ‘I can walk all over Susie as I have done before, but Melody is one scary woman.  I can cut her off by sending her to the bakery and have her at the end of the mobile.  What’s more, if the product turns out to be crap, I have the bitch to land it on and get rid of her pronto in the boardroom.’  Ooh, I am tense already.  This is more on the edge than Luther and it’s even about biscuits…

I can’t believe the Tom-Michael Sheen tangent here.  Tom is the first to arrive in Swansea having passed Port Talbot on the way: home town of Michael Sheen and recent setting for his ambitious production of The Passion.  Can Tom find passion in biscuits?

NewPopcorn Melody wants biscuits as the new popcorn, to eat while watching TV, and produces dough balls laced with marshmallow bits and cornflakes declaring ‘I think there’s a gap in the market for that.’  (Dentists will have heard their tills ringing on that one, where one sickly sweet dough ball must equal one new filling.)

And oh, those barbed quotes are coming thick and fast in this episode.  Jim likes Helen because she’s passive. What’s not to like about passive he asks?  Well I know I could answer that one and many others too.  I don’t think I’d throw that description on Helen either as she’s a sharp cookie (replace marshmallow with shards of caramel crisp and get the cotton wool balls ready) whereas Jim is a Machiavellian Munchie.

Panel When it comes to focus groups Jelly Jim, now the Machiavellian Munchie, is on superb form and has a good time with the kids. 


BicInBic Tom, however, focuses on his concept of the ‘emergency biscuit’ and feels it’s all a lead balloon with the ladies.  That may be spot on.  Can you imagine ringing 999 and getting ‘What service do you require? Police, fire, ambulance or biscuit?’  Next comes the biscuit within a biscuit, looking like a prop from Star Trek circa 1976 which Tom describes as ‘getting inside each other’.  The ladies are of a certain age that leads to suggest no resonance with them at all.  So we’re not about to launch a new biccie with an inference on sexual imagery then?  But yes, they love it, all hands in the air for the two-in-one where something caught the imagination.  (Have they been too exposed to BOGOFs and 3 for 2 deals in the supermarkets?)

And along comes Melody with the dough balls tinged with pink.  Yes, they don’t improve with baking, and yes, they are still the new popcorn (in her mind).  But the locals are flummoxed so that’s a bin job.  The hearts prove otherwise and are a resounding success, especially for the man who can see a broken one as a chance to get together again with the loved one…  But when it’s time for feedback Melody attempts to crush Tom with her heart (not literally) and Zoë cuts through the crap to let Tom have a say on the reaction to his two-in-one biccie which wins the day.

They go off to sell their packaged produce to the supermarkets.  Helen’s team – with a paradoxical after-school treat for any time – wins the day as Asda fell for it.  And now it’s time for the boardroom fight out between the harpie clan and Mr Really Nice (Tom).  Oh, I am remiss here, I forget that it’s also between the members of the harpie clan…

Oh dear, we have a mismatch between premium brand packaging and a pedestrian biscuit…  Zoë’s lack of presence for the creation of product on site is noted.  Melody takes exception to Tom’s comments and enthuses about and defends her many concepts.  (Did she not notice they all failed?)  Later, Zoë comes in with ‘It’s all very dramatic Melody…’  Yes, when indeed did the location of chocolate on a biscuit become such a debating point after considering the target market?

ZoeBR Down to the final losing three it’s Mr Really Nice (Tom), Zoë and the disharmonic Melody to punch it out in the boardroom.  Tom survives; Zoë doesn’t; the taloned octopus that is Melody soldiers on.  Is Melody surviving for a Braggs moment of true disclosure in the interviews after such bigging up? She is more than a spurious telecoms contract, she is a GLOBAL business and with Dalai Lama connections and the rest…  Could this be her downfall?

Sad to say goodbye to Zoë but she didn’t really fit did she?


2 comments on “The Apprentice 2011 – Week 8, Episode 9

  1. Bookrepublik
    July 3, 2011

    Loving the Melody/Baggs comparisons. If you’d asked me last year if there was a more laughably arrogant and ridiculous human being than “Stuart Baggs The Brand” I would have laughed in your face. Melody Hosseini – you have excelled yourself.

  2. kimbofo
    July 3, 2011

    This post made me laugh out loud.
    Can’t wait to see Melody exposed for the narcissist / fake she really is when she makes the interview round!

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This entry was posted on July 2, 2011 by in Apprentice2011.